Pause for Thought

Every journey is made of small steps.  

We are now half way through April.  This year has been quite shocking so far.  In January, Australia burned and we thought that would be the defining thing for 2020.  Boy were we wrong!

My family dynamic has changed so much since the beginning of the year for many reasons.  My eldest came home from Uni knowing that he needed help to focus on his remaining work for his degree.  My middle one is beyond devastated, knowing that he won’t be able to achieve some of his goals as quickly as he would have liked through no fault of his own. My youngest, who was performing in the West End is now home every night instead of at the theatre on stage and her disappointment is tangible.  Everyone in this house is struggling, frustrations are obvious, tempers frayed and cabin fever a real thing.

As a Public Service worker for the Emergency Services, my own anxiety has gone through the roof every time I leave my home. Each time I leave work, I can’t help worrying that attached to me, somewhere invisible, is COVID-19 and I’m about to take it home to my own family.

I want this over.  I want to be able to stop worrying.  I want my family to be safe.  I am fed up of feeling on the edge of tears all day, every day, for no specific reason.  I want to return to “normal,” whatever “normal” means. 

So why you may ask, am I talking about this when this is a blog about weighloss?  Because since this year started, I’ve not been happy, I’ve been stressed, I’m suffering anxiety and I’ve lost my way.  Not in a terrible way.  I’m still eating keto.  BUT those yummy bits… the snacks… which I’m not meant to really have… yeah… as I said, I’ve lost my way.  I’ve always been an eater.  At times of happiness, “Let’s celebrate and eat!”  At times of stress, “oh no! Let’s get something to eat,” you get the picture.  I’m going up and down the same 2kg every week.

When on a journey, there has to be time to stop and rest those weary legs. I’ve realised that my weightloss journey is no different.

So is that what I’ve been doing?  Resting? How do I get my mojo back, get focused, when I have no routine and no desire to even try?  How does one get a routine when all one wants to do is stay in bed all day? 

I want to be able to say that I’ve identified the problem.  Having identified it, I want to say that can make it better.  But the truth is, I’m just not there yet.  I’m on damage control right now, not able to put the fix in place.

Mental health is no joke.  Looking after myself right now, just seems that little bit more important.

I will get there. Just not now.